In this blog post, I will be editing and revising my post from blog post #5. I have read My Mother Gives me a Writing Lesson (Martin Lee) and My Name is Margaret and will use these pieces to compose my scene about a specific event that had a negative impact on my life.
“Come on Jim we’re heading to the train!” My buddy Ed yelled. It was the day of the concert and I was too excited. I could not be more happy then I was that day. Prepared to be surrounded by friends and good music. “Alright.” I replied as I put a water bottle of captain morgan in my pocket. Ed and I had drank the whole handle but I took the last bit to save for later. It never crossed my mind as being risky or wrong. A lot of people drink under the legal age and I was never caught or got in trouble so the consequences of doing it never really occurred to me either. So as I had done before I grabbed the bottle and went on my merry way out of the house. “Aye we’re here!” Ed said excitedly. The train ride went as quick as a snap of fingers. “Who are we seeing first?” I asked as we walked to the Ben Franklin Parkway. It was decided we would see the artist “gunna” first as we arrived a little after the first performance. We proceeded to the gate where security presented themselves like a brick wall to pat people down for anything not permitted in the concert. Ed was in front of me in line and while we waited I moved the bottle from my pocket to inside my nike shorts. “Next!” the security motioned towards Ed to come forward. Ed was patted and cleared. It was now my turn. I walked up and a man patted me down from top to bottom with his rough hands. I thought I was in the clear but I wasn’t. “Spread your legs.” the man said to me. I did so and the plastic water bottle hit the ground. “Another one.” he said to a police officer as he pointed to me. The officer gripped me on the arm tightly and a rush of nervousness shot through my body as he walked me to a holding bus. There I was, sitting in the back of that smelly crusty bus so enraged that I was getting in trouble for such a stupid reason. I was just sitting there questioning myself “why did I try to sneak in that bottle, why today, why me on a day that was supposed to be filled with fun and excitement.” After the anger left my body I went into a deep sadness. Not the type of sadness you have after you lose a family member, but the type of sadness you feel when a loved one says “I’m not mad, just disappointed.” I was disappointed, disappointed in myself.
6 Comments
Andrew Moskowitz
10/8/2018 11:30:22 am
I love the changes you made it really improved the overall read.
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Matt Guglielmi
10/8/2018 12:54:44 pm
Great job spreading everything out and giving the story some air. I really enjoyed reading it. I felt like I was there with you. Great job.
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Jack R Ludin
10/8/2018 05:55:50 pm
This is a great learning experience. You did a great job changing the mood of the story.
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Nymahlee
10/8/2018 07:15:06 pm
I like the changes to your story, it help me understand it more
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Joanna
10/9/2018 11:55:17 am
I like how you described the type of sadness at the end, we've all been there at some point.
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